TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically noted for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely outside of location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Indeed, sure, let's have A different position wherever American Guys can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: offer Every person a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he should really cease making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You are aware of, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from House, a aspect becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the creating's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Options


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by company may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting focus from Worldwide investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level may also involve:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge where by my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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